Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark – Diana Rietz
Our intrepid explorer, Indiana Jones* has been conned by two women of dubious paddling repute, to go in search of the famed Josephines bridge. There are two ways of getting to this bridge, one along a tarred road, the other along a treacherous stretch of river. Of course, our adventurers must take the treacherous stretch of river otherwise we would not have a story to tell.
The women we have named Boadacia* and Fredricka Flintstone*. The former, a tall, athletic, fiery woman, with a slight speech impediment which resulted in her uttering various four letter words at intervals. The latter resembled a stone, small, compact, round, not very bright, and not particularly buoyant.
The explorers set off in Indiana’s trusty ark that had lasted him through many similar expeditions, and is affectionately known as Bluebell*. They settle in along a teasing section of the river, Indiana taking the helm. As in all good stories, a dark force (whose realm extended along half of the river) had determined to ruin Bluebell as she had flitted too easily through all other odds. The dark force, of course, decided to send out two idiot slaves, transporting them in a blue boat (I think), to try to intercept and stop the valiant Bluebell. Bluebell was intercepted and in the tussle, the two women were ousted, while Indiana bravely fought to save his Bluebell. She was saved, and her injuries attended to as best as possible by Indi and the returned Boadie, and Flinty.
The brave Bluebell set off again, and after a brief period of calm, which lulled our explorers into a false sense of security, the dark force paid a mischievous water elf known as “Eddie” a small sum to deflect their course, hoping that Bluebell would give up (or in). However, our adventurers craft was made of stronger stuff than that, and although she had suffered further injury, she fearlessly continued.
Indi realized what was going on, and managed to avert disaster by tricking the dark force and taking an alternative route around several of its traps. This annoyed the dark force further, and it sent out a middle-level imp called Harry. Harry whipped himself up into a huge hole, hoping that this would stop Bluebell and cause her to crack. Bluebell, summoned all her strength and pushed through, much to the relief of her crew. However, this sapped her strength, and this showed when the dark force sent a troll (Terrance) who laid in wait just below his “House” on the river. He managed to toss the crew out and tried to have his way with the ark and cause her further damage with the aid of a rock. However, he did not factor in Flinty’s lack of buoyancy, and as she sank, she unintentionally placed herself between the rock and the ark. Although this bruised the pathetic Flinty, it saved Bluebell another blow.
The crew and their ark were almost at the end of the realm of the troubled dark force, when it became really mad, and summoned all its strength. The water was whipped up, and Bluebell, fearing for the safety of her crew (particularly Indi), and her own safety made a dash for solid ground. However, the dark force was strong, and dragged her back into the fray. This tussle took its toll, and Bluebell was almost rent asunder. The crew had no choice but to persist, and so continued on in with frail Bluebell. The dark force struck one final blow that tore the valiant ark in half, and if it wasn’t for Boadie, would have sunk Flinty too.
With that, our adventurers saw the light, and found a comfortable land-dwelling chariot to whisk them to the fabled Josephines bridge.
Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. However, for the author can be contacted, and in exchange for an alcoholic beverage, will reveal the true identities of all parties involved (including the Ark).
Diana Rietz (middle-gunner)
ed: Di will know that the Duct Tape that kept them going is Like The Force:
It has a Dark side and it has a Light side and it holds The Universe together!